April Fools Special – the best of the 5:05 Newsletter

We felt there would be no better day than April Fool’s Day to recognize the oft quoted 5:05 Newsletter. In this special edition, we present the best of the first four years stolen from the amazing brain of the editor of this twenty some year old Tampa Bay institution. In the words of the editor, “The stories are real; only the names, facts and events have been changed. Sometimes you gotta create what you want to be a part of.”                   

We must lead off with our first ever “borrowed” item. It went like this: Many of you who receive this “masterwork” each week also receive the 5:05 Club Newsletter. For those of you who may have missed this gem from a couple weeks ago, we repeat it here: “A 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to, she was just texting with a friend and the next thing she knew she was at the top of Mount Everest”.

From October 26, 2014 (and our favorite of the first four years): “Ben Bradlee, Dead at 93 - He was preceded in death by journalism”.

From January 4, 2015: A classic from the local 5:05 newsletter regarding the passing of the founder of Topps baseball cards: “Sy Berger, the designer of the modern baseball card, has died. He will be laid to rest in a shoe box somewhere in an attic”.

From May 3, 2015: “Pope Francis said that one of the things he misses most about ordinary life is the ability to go out and eat pizza without being recognized. I wouldn't worry. Nobody's going to believe the guy who works at the pizza place when he says, “Hey, do you know who came in today? The Pope.”

From July 11, 2015: “BMW’s new Deluxe 7 Series will allow drivers to simply press a button on their key fob to make the car park itself. And because it's an expensive BMW, it will park itself across two spaces”.

From Sept. 27, 2015: “Leading liberal newspapers are begging Joe Biden to run for president. It is amazing. Three months ago, he was a national joke and a nightly punch line, but then the Democrats got a good look at Hillary and Bernie and suddenly Joe Biden looks like the fifth face on Mt. Rushmore.” (hmm…how did that work out?)

From October 11, 2015: “The Toronto Blue Jays have made the playoffs for the first time in 22 years; and nothing says “America's pastime” more than a bunch of guys from the Dominican Republic playing for a team in Canada.”

From December 20, 2015: "When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb."

From February 14, 2016: “The world has completely flipped in my lifetime. There was once a time when all the GM jobs were in Flint and you couldn’t drink the water in Mexico.”

From April 3, 2016: “Cuba News: A lot of people are saying President Raul Castro disrespected President Obama by not greeting him at the airport. Seriously? Our countries have been enemies for 60 years. I can’t even get my best friend to pick me up at the airport.”

From May 22, 2016: “A new study suggests that a chemical released when a person is hungry can lead to poor decision-making. It is what Taco Bell calls “our entire business model.”

From July 3, 2016: “The welcome sign on I-10 as you enter the State of California notifies visitors that You Are Now Entering a Work-Free Drug Place”.

From October 9, 2016: “Donald Trump cancelled a rally scheduled for Portland, Oregon. This was devastating news for Portland’s conservative community…a guy named Steve”.

From January 22, 2017: Note: To all the foreign countries that contributed to the Clinton Foundation: There will not be a rebate.

From April 16, 2017: Jesse Jackson attended a “Miracle Service” at a church in Chicago. He “laid his hands” on a man and told him, “You can walk today.” The man told Jackson that he wasn’t paralyzed. However, after the service, the man went outside and found his car was stolen.

From July 16, 2017: I am so glad I grew up in the 50s and 60s because I did so much stupid stuff and there is no record of it anywhere.

From October 18, 2017: Mexican cocaine kingpin Juan “El Chapo” Guzman’s defense lawyers are requesting to have El Chapo’s trial held in Los Angeles, where he can be tried by a jury of his customers.

From December 3, 2017: Hollywood is the only place where you are awarded a Doctorate in Political Science after completing your third movie.

From January 14, 2018: China increased the penalty for disrespecting the National Anthem from 15-days to 3-years in prison… in case you were thinking of taking a knee on your next visit there.

From June 17, 2018: There is talk of legalizing marijuana in Utah. However, Mormons are worried that marijuana may be a gateway drug to coffee.

From June 24, 2018: Last month marked the 80th birthday of Superman. Now that he is 80, Superman is rendered helpless by Kryptonite and his email password.

From November 18, 2018: Target announced that it will hire 100,000 seasonal employees during the holidays. Ten of them will be on the register; the rest will wander around saying, “I don’t work in this department.”

From November 25, 2018: Dunkin' Donuts announced next year they will shorten their name from Dunkin' Donuts to just “Dunkin'.” And their customers will shorten the name of their disease from diabetes to just “betes.”

From December 9, 2018: Brenda Snipes resigned as Broward County Supervisor of Elections. Some voters praised her work saying that thanks to her their grandparents voted Democratic for the first time, adding, "They would never have done that when they were alive."

There are so many jewels from the 5:05 Newsletter that space required us to limit this edition to the best of the first four years of our “borrowed” gems. Look for another such edition next April Fools Day – or sooner.

UP NEXT: The Masters; Harvey Clanton; Our Aging Congress

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